folken_forever (folken_forever) wrote,

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writing is a good way to not kill yourself

here is my email to a previous friend
let me share with the world what they put me through:

"you ever wanted to know why this all started...

tonight was the first time i cried since you came here...
i read your website diary for the first time

the words of Chrono:
..."1... Any bad information in the future from her I must not bear and just yell at her
2... she SO hate Con at not being a good sister and stealing her friend. What do you mean by that though?! I really really wonder that mean Con has to be with you all the time and listen to what you say and do what you want her to do like a slave or a dog? !!
Gr.......... I 'm so angry right now.
3... But I may not stand her emotioness and depression constantly. I hope she can get this through."

that's a start Chrono... i'm glad i finally got some truth as to how you feel about me...
though it started before
when, i payed for your way to darien lake... and you hung out with my baby sister more than you hung out with me!
30$... what a waste... of my money, of my life!

the words of flo
1... i question... why haven't you yelled at me yet...?
2... in two, i like that you actually address it to me!... "you, you, you"! you obviouslly don't know what connie puts me through... and i can't wait for her actions to hurt you in return.
i guess you could say that she is a dog, because i use my money to take care of her often, she has a hard time with responsibilities, so it is like i am providing roof and food for an animal.
3... my depression, i can get through this?!... you fucking people are not makeing it any easier!... i know that there is something wrong with me... but leave me to my suicide, i often wonder, if i killed myself, would anybody fucking care. i hope you like living together... i'm through with you guys..."

tomorrow, my sister will move her stuff out, or i will do it for her!
it seems that i'm good at driving people away from me, a hermit life is right around the corner
i even stopped talking to my very best friend on AIM, because i did not want to bring my mood upon her.
i don't mind having to live the difficulties of bymyself...
the only reason why my fucking sister... well... i should not refer to her as that, for that is what she is most not!... the girl... i'll call it the girl
the only reason why the girl hasn't moved out yet is because she is afraid that if she does, she will not get money from the mother anymore, and doesn't want to work to survive... what a fucking lazy ass individual.
i really hate her, i don't wish her dead though, because that would end the pain and missery, one must suffer for their ill deeds.

they fucked up my life!
only if they had told me that after the incident night of "truth or dare"... that they felt for each other, i don't think i would be like this...
i paid his way... at least he could of had the decentcy to tell me "no thanks, i'm going with connie."
and all that time, after the incident night, i was all like, "oh, i know i'm an ugly fat bitch with mountainous craters on my face, but still, at least he doesn't mind hanging out with me for that."
the fucking girl, never told me that they had feelings... I HAD FUCKING FEELINGS TOO!
all the time, we spent time, i thought, "maybe he doesn't mind hanging out with me even though i'm ugly."
but now, i don't know why he did hang out with me!... pity... yes, pity
i don't hang out with them, because i feel like i just tag along, that i seek their pity, for being alone makes me depressed... sorry i would want some fucking attention from the other sex... the closest i have ever gotten was a dumb ass security guard at the mall i worked at and a bunch of lesbians...
... i'm crying again...
it doesn't feel better to do so... but... i'm doing it for some reason...

i try and pity myself, because, i have dawned upon the reality, that i'm the only one that will ever read this...
it is like a cry for help, but someone is holding a hand over my mouth and has tied me up...
i don't understand why i continue, there seems nothing for me
mainly the only reason why i haven't killed myself, is for my best friend, for which i don't want anymore pain in her life, at least with me living, i know that she can think positively of me.

i shall end this now... i don't know when will be next time that i update.
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