folken_forever (folken_forever) wrote,
folken_forever
folken_forever

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confused... oh yeah

well... i just got internet... happy about that...
but now i moved back into home, i now pay over 100$ a month for my college loans... not including 50$ a week to my parent's for rent, and 50$ for my cell phone... now 15$ for internet...
and the food i buy, my family eats before i have a chance to use it for something good... that involves more than just meat and rice...
pissing my off!

my step father just doesn't understand... i pay 200$ a month... that is to cover what little of their food i eat as well... but i freaking spent recently 50$ on food for myself... and now most of it is gone... without me having any!
i'm so mad... i just want to cook, because they don't understand, that's how i release some frustrations...
at least now i have internet...
but all i hear is, "worked on my painting yet... take out the dogs... make me a salad... clean, sweep, do dishes..." all the fucking day!!!
i know i don't work that much... but, i am not a maid...
and i think contributing 200$ a month for just rent, is good enough to not be considered a freaking maid!

now i'm gonna fucking starve... fred got in argument with me, and now he is making dinner... and i don't know if i'm gonna even be allowed to use the fucking kitchen...
bastard... what the hell!
if he doesn't want me here, just tell me!... i'll fucking move to some other place... and struggle there... at least i'll get to eat what i fucking want!

i don't understand some people... damn it.
i'm really seeing that he is quite two-faced... and starting to think, "why the hell do i want to be around this person?"... because, i don't want to anymore... this is bullshit... he's making me feel guilty if i don't work on his painting... that is fucking huge... and in oils... and he doesn't really have any respect for me... in that my art work, is valuable!... and it's hard to do... i may be good at it... but i still find it frustrating!... and he doesn't really compliment me...
and the painting i did for Pat... i got only 50$ for... i mean, i don't want to charge my family what it should be really worth... but they should at least acknowledge, that around 500$ is the true amount!

i feel like i did something very wrong in moving back into home...
i don't like it at all...
i'm always expected to constantly watch something, take care of something, clean something... that i have no connection to!
i'm so mad...
even with me just downloading and watching Gackt's newest PV... i'm still frustrated!

i'm an adult... but i'm not treated like that... my mother keeps saying how proud she is of me... but then she will want me to fold their laundry!... i didn't dirty it... i didn't clean it... so what the hell... do i have to fold their crap!...
i know these things seem petty... but they aren't when i encounter them every freaking day!... all day long... multiple times a day... it's really driving me crazy!!!
... i'm soooo wanting to get out of here... and financially... i can't...

i don't know what to do...
oh well...
maybe be like johnny and 2am is a good time for trying to kill oneself...
i wonder what my parents' would do if they found my dead body in my bed, seemingly asleep, except nudging my shoulder doesn't awake...
hhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm
i really hate myself... i'm worthless, fat, stupid, and annoying... i'm sure there is a huge list of other things... but remember, i'm fucking stupid... so i can't think of anything more...
i mean, no one really of any... calliber, has ever wanted anything to do with me...
i'm so alone... i wish i had one heart that truly wanted to spend time with me... that could!!!
i mean i have friends... but i would at least want a lover sometime in my fucking, pathetic life!
i know i don't have much to offer... but i mean, at least i'm a walking oriffice... a hole to fuck...
abuse me, i don't care... at least it would be someone that would need me, even if it would be just for the sex...
i need to have someone... sometime in my life...
before i really kill myself...
i mean, right now... i don't want to... but my life is getting more pathetic and useless with everyday i live... i keep going lower and lower... and soon, i fear soon... i won't want to live anymore...

i hate myself
good-bye...
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Aw honey... You know I'm always here to talk to you. You know my cell number. *giant hugs* I think you're a beautiful, wonderful, intelligetn person - I'm being very honest. I hope you can see that someday...
Oh wow... I just say I mispelled intelligent in my reply...wow that made me look really intelligent... lol
RAAR! NOW I make a typo of 'say' instead of 'saw'. GOD DAMN! :P
I love you, Flo. There's nothing more I can say. You are a genius in your own right. Whether it's art or cooking. You are strong and creative and a genuine person. *huggses*
FLOEY!!! HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF!! Any body would be lucky to have you. I am telling you the truth.. In all honesty I myself have a crush on you. I want you to know that I am here for you always. You are a marvelous person and shouldn't say such things... I know you are just venting, but the things you say aren't true of yourself. You are intelligent and beautiful and I hope that one day you will see that. *HUGE GIANT HUG!*. FLO, YOU ROCK!!! Cheer up... you won't live there for the rest of your life, just keep telling yourself that it is only to get a footing, that it is only temporary.
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